Independence and responsibility

Originally, I was going to post about underwear; yes, underwear. I hate to disappoint, but that will have to come at a later date. I felt like the topic at hand was more important at the moment. I'm going through some changes in my life and finding it hard to transition. I've depended on people my whole life; I've never lived on my own and have not had to depend on myself much. Instead, I would depend on someone else and not think about what I wanted to do with my life. I would love to say that I had an aha moment and came up with a brilliant plan, but alas, I'm not quite there yet. However, I will not discount the progress that I have made. I've been through many hard times, I've moved across the country from my hometown that I lived in for almost 30 years, I've gotten married and even had a long-term job that I was good at and made enough money to support myself and at one point, two people. I should be really proud of myself for all these accomplishments and for being able to get through so many hardships relatively unscathed. But, like many others, I find myself still not satisfied. I'm working on it. . .

My next goal is to live independently. No, I don't want to completely free myself of support from other people, but I do want to be able to say that I have my own place and support myself financially. This sounds all nice and wonderful, but it's also scary as hell; especially considering I live in a city that is known to be very expensive to live in and I lack the experience and education to get a well-paying job. What's a girl to do? I've been job hunting with minimal success, though I probably could put more effort into it. When you're job hunting for a job that you KNOW that you really want, it's a great motivator and makes you want to make that extra effort. However, when you have no idea and just want to get a simple job that will *maybe make you enough money to sort of live on your own, it doesn't sound very enticing. In fact, it makes you not want to put much time or effort into it, but you try your best and do what you can. That's good enough, right? So, you can see my frustration.

When I was younger, I always loved to sing and dance. I took acting classes as an adult and really enjoyed it. I still love to sing and I love to make people laugh. So, as they say, "find what you like to do and make a career out of it." Well, it's not always that simple. First of all, I have *many interests; not just one area. Second, getting a job in performing arts can be extremely difficult and very competitive. Third, I never had much encouragement or motivation to do the work to get there. I shouldn't let that hold me back as an adult, but I guess I've gotten so used to it being there that I still use it as an excuse. Another struggle I face is enjoying something for a while, then losing interest. So sticking to one thing for a long time is not typical for me.

So, back to my independence and taking responsibility. I know I need to take that leap, but I find myself standing on the edge, looking down and not feeling motivated or strong enough to take the leap.