A Note to Myself

You don't come in a neat, tidy package; no one does. You are imperfect, but so is everyone else. You have many good qualities that you should pay attention to. You are smart, funny, beautiful, talented, honest, kind and you genuinely care about others. When you show your qualities, you shine and make people smile. When you feel sad, you only think bad thoughts about yourself. "Have I done something wrong?" "What's wrong with me?" "I don't fit in. I'm different." Being different isn't bad; it makes you unique.  Why are you so hurtful to yourself? Would a good friend say or think these things about you? Of course not. They would say that you're a great person. So, why don't you think these things about yourself? You beat yourself up about past mistakes and hurt. If you are in the present moment, there is nothing in the past that can hurt you. You need to move on and be ok with who you are and where you are. Life is not infinite. Be yourself and love yourself. The most important person that needs to accept you is YOU.

We all have some sort of title or titles; sister, brother, dad, mom, wife, boss, etc. To some extent, we are that title, but it shouldn't make us who we are. For a long time, I didn't feel like I had a real identity; I was a title. The last five months have changed my life; I went from being a wife, living with her husband to a soon-to-be divorcee living on her own. I got my own place, got a job a month after that and now I've been steadily working and being on my own. Life changes every moment; sometimes it's a slight change and sometimes, it's much more than you could imagine. Though it was hard to leave the life I had, I feel like I've grown so much as a person since then. I was forced, in a way, to discover who I really was. I wasn't just a "wife," or a "step-mother;" I was a person. I was happy to be those things, but I was hiding behind the titles so as not to discover myself. I believe that there are many people out there like that. You become this other "thing," and sometimes, you lose sight of who you are as an individual. I still have a long way to go in my discovery, but I feel like I'm a lot closer than I was. I don't have anywhere to hide and that makes me scared in a way, but also grateful.

Fear and anxiety

I've been feeling alone and anxious a lot lately. I find myself desperately trying to find ways to distract myself from having these feelings. I had a PT job to help keep me busy and I got hired for another job, but didn't show up for the orientation and I quit my previous job. So now I have no job and the fear is starting to set in; fear of having no income and fear of not having something to keep me busy/distracted. I'm trying to not let the fear control me and assure myself that 1. I'm capable of being alone and I should use that time to do productive things and be ok with being by myself and 2. I will find another job/way to make income.

Fear has controlled me for many years, so it's hard to let go and trust that things will work out. As I write this, my stomach is in knots and I'm scared and anxious. I'm not sure how to proceed from here. My mind tells me that I need to find a job quickly so that I have income, but my heart wants me to rest and not be worried and desperate. It's easy to listen to your mind and let it control you, but it's better to listen to your heart. I don't know what my next step is; all I know is that I need to try and trust that things will work out. Tomorrow is a new day. For now, I will do my best and that's all I can do.

My dark passenger

I'm a big fan of the show Dexter; one of the reasons (other than the fact that it's very entertaining and an interesting concept) I enjoy it so much is the fact that, in a way, I can relate to Dexter. No, I'm not secretly a serial killer (where did I hide those bodies?), but I do have a "dark passenger." If you haven't seen the show, his dark passenger is his "dad" that had died years ago trying to guide him through his decisions (whether good or bad). My dark passenger doesn't have a physical form, but has certainly been influential in my decisions in life.

The dark passenger poses thoughts like "you're not smart enough," "you're not pretty enough," "you don't have enough skills," or "you're ill-educated." The negative thoughts typically occur on my "bad" days, but sometimes my bad days can turn into good days and my thoughts become more positive. Some bad days are all bad and some good days are all good, but I can definitely alternate between good and bad in one day. Having this constant battle can be very challenging when navigating through life and trying to accomplish things you want to accomplish.

Finding a career or some sort of career has been very challenging with the dark passenger. When you are filled with many negative thoughts, trying to accomplish anything; especially trying to figure out what you want to do with your life, is a constant struggle. Some days, I feel like I can get things done and feel accomplished; other days, I feel like I've accomplished nothing and feel hopeless.

One of my passions is singing; I've always loved to sing. I thought maybe someday I would be a singer or maybe acting/singing. I was in choir, took acting classes and voice lessons as an adult, but never really tried to pursue it as a career; I always have these nagging thoughts such as "it's too competitive," "I can't write songs," or "my voice isn't good enough." It's very discouraging when you know deep down that you love something but your own voice tells you that you can't have it. If I was able to, I would tell the voice to "shove off!" Unfortunately, it's not always easy to ignore the "passenger."

Instead of pursuing any sort of career idea I had (there were many), I ended up being an exotic dancer for over 6 years. Being a stripper typically gets a bad rep, but it really isn't as bad as it's painted. There are aspects of stripping that can be negative, but for me, it was a great experience. I was very introverted before I started dancing; one thing I overcame over time while doing it. I also became a lot tougher, learned how to read people easier, developed sales skills and most of all, I was making my own money. One misconception is that you get paid an income when dancing, but you're actually an independent contractor, so you have to make your own money and the club actually takes part of your earnings. Being an independent contractor is definitely tough, but it teaches you how to make your own money and work hard. I only worked PT and made enough money to not only survive, but it allowed me to be able to buy things if I wanted or go out and have fun without worrying about money.

Now that I'm not dancing anymore, I feel like I need to start a new phase in my life and pursue my passion. But then there's that passenger nagging me again. I'm in therapy now and looking into starting medication. For many years, I was off medication and felt like I was able to overcome the passenger, but in reality, I was just finding ways to distract myself and not really focusing on figuring out who I really am and what I want with my life. I'm not saying that being on medication is going to magically make the passenger go away and give me clarity, but I'm hoping it will at least help.

Confessions of a Polyamorist

First of all, let's define polyamory:

Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships, with knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Pretty self explanatory, right? Well, it's actually pretty complicated, but you get the gist of what it means to be polyamorous. 

I should mention that I have always disliked being labeled, as I feel like a label is something that people "define" you by. Polyamory does not define who I am, but I am polyamorous. 

Now that that's out of the way, let me dive into it a bit more. I'm not one to reveal much personal information about myself, but I felt compelled to write about something that's been on my mind. 

My husband and I separated a couple months ago; it's been hard for me to talk about, because I feel partly responsible and I am taking responsibility for the part that I played in the relationship ending. 

What does that have to do with the whole polyamory thing? A lot. I'm not going to go into details, but a lot of the relationship strife was due to my not keeping both relationships in check; especially the relationship with my husband, which was most important. I look back and see how selfish I became and my lack of communication certainly didn't help. In polyamory relationships, it's vital that you keep all communication open and consistent with everyone involved. I was always honest with everyone, but wasn't consistent with my communication. When communication isn't consistent and one person feels left out, pain and jealousy can occur. It was never my intention to hurt anyone and I am sincerely sorry for the way I was and the hurt I caused. 

I'm sad about the way things ended, but I will always be grateful for having him in my life and for all the time we had together; good and bad. My only regret is that I didn't try harder and put more effort into the relationship. 

This is my confession; not as a "polyamorist," but as a wife, a partner, a person. 

Independence and responsibility

Originally, I was going to post about underwear; yes, underwear. I hate to disappoint, but that will have to come at a later date. I felt like the topic at hand was more important at the moment. I'm going through some changes in my life and finding it hard to transition. I've depended on people my whole life; I've never lived on my own and have not had to depend on myself much. Instead, I would depend on someone else and not think about what I wanted to do with my life. I would love to say that I had an aha moment and came up with a brilliant plan, but alas, I'm not quite there yet. However, I will not discount the progress that I have made. I've been through many hard times, I've moved across the country from my hometown that I lived in for almost 30 years, I've gotten married and even had a long-term job that I was good at and made enough money to support myself and at one point, two people. I should be really proud of myself for all these accomplishments and for being able to get through so many hardships relatively unscathed. But, like many others, I find myself still not satisfied. I'm working on it. . .

My next goal is to live independently. No, I don't want to completely free myself of support from other people, but I do want to be able to say that I have my own place and support myself financially. This sounds all nice and wonderful, but it's also scary as hell; especially considering I live in a city that is known to be very expensive to live in and I lack the experience and education to get a well-paying job. What's a girl to do? I've been job hunting with minimal success, though I probably could put more effort into it. When you're job hunting for a job that you KNOW that you really want, it's a great motivator and makes you want to make that extra effort. However, when you have no idea and just want to get a simple job that will *maybe make you enough money to sort of live on your own, it doesn't sound very enticing. In fact, it makes you not want to put much time or effort into it, but you try your best and do what you can. That's good enough, right? So, you can see my frustration.

When I was younger, I always loved to sing and dance. I took acting classes as an adult and really enjoyed it. I still love to sing and I love to make people laugh. So, as they say, "find what you like to do and make a career out of it." Well, it's not always that simple. First of all, I have *many interests; not just one area. Second, getting a job in performing arts can be extremely difficult and very competitive. Third, I never had much encouragement or motivation to do the work to get there. I shouldn't let that hold me back as an adult, but I guess I've gotten so used to it being there that I still use it as an excuse. Another struggle I face is enjoying something for a while, then losing interest. So sticking to one thing for a long time is not typical for me.

So, back to my independence and taking responsibility. I know I need to take that leap, but I find myself standing on the edge, looking down and not feeling motivated or strong enough to take the leap.

Life. . . it happens

It has been a couple months since I have posted anything on my blog. In that couple months, however, many changes have happened in my life. For instance, I had my one year anniversary with my boyfriend last month. We were kicked out of our place a week after that and had one day to move out. Luckily, we have some friends that we were able to stay with. And, in the next month or two, we will have our own place again. Although we have endured much hardship, we have always been able to get through it. But if you think about it, isn't life itself a hardship? I figure as long as I stay strong, I can endure anything. So, bring it on! lol.

Dreams

I have had some strange dreams lately. One of them, I was able to decipher, but the one I had last night I am still pondering. I started a dream journal a couple nights ago after I read an article about dreams. It was a very interesting article entitled "Using dreams to heal depression." I recommend it to anyone searching for something more than the usual dream interpretation guide.