My dark passenger

I'm a big fan of the show Dexter; one of the reasons (other than the fact that it's very entertaining and an interesting concept) I enjoy it so much is the fact that, in a way, I can relate to Dexter. No, I'm not secretly a serial killer (where did I hide those bodies?), but I do have a "dark passenger." If you haven't seen the show, his dark passenger is his "dad" that had died years ago trying to guide him through his decisions (whether good or bad). My dark passenger doesn't have a physical form, but has certainly been influential in my decisions in life.

The dark passenger poses thoughts like "you're not smart enough," "you're not pretty enough," "you don't have enough skills," or "you're ill-educated." The negative thoughts typically occur on my "bad" days, but sometimes my bad days can turn into good days and my thoughts become more positive. Some bad days are all bad and some good days are all good, but I can definitely alternate between good and bad in one day. Having this constant battle can be very challenging when navigating through life and trying to accomplish things you want to accomplish.

Finding a career or some sort of career has been very challenging with the dark passenger. When you are filled with many negative thoughts, trying to accomplish anything; especially trying to figure out what you want to do with your life, is a constant struggle. Some days, I feel like I can get things done and feel accomplished; other days, I feel like I've accomplished nothing and feel hopeless.

One of my passions is singing; I've always loved to sing. I thought maybe someday I would be a singer or maybe acting/singing. I was in choir, took acting classes and voice lessons as an adult, but never really tried to pursue it as a career; I always have these nagging thoughts such as "it's too competitive," "I can't write songs," or "my voice isn't good enough." It's very discouraging when you know deep down that you love something but your own voice tells you that you can't have it. If I was able to, I would tell the voice to "shove off!" Unfortunately, it's not always easy to ignore the "passenger."

Instead of pursuing any sort of career idea I had (there were many), I ended up being an exotic dancer for over 6 years. Being a stripper typically gets a bad rep, but it really isn't as bad as it's painted. There are aspects of stripping that can be negative, but for me, it was a great experience. I was very introverted before I started dancing; one thing I overcame over time while doing it. I also became a lot tougher, learned how to read people easier, developed sales skills and most of all, I was making my own money. One misconception is that you get paid an income when dancing, but you're actually an independent contractor, so you have to make your own money and the club actually takes part of your earnings. Being an independent contractor is definitely tough, but it teaches you how to make your own money and work hard. I only worked PT and made enough money to not only survive, but it allowed me to be able to buy things if I wanted or go out and have fun without worrying about money.

Now that I'm not dancing anymore, I feel like I need to start a new phase in my life and pursue my passion. But then there's that passenger nagging me again. I'm in therapy now and looking into starting medication. For many years, I was off medication and felt like I was able to overcome the passenger, but in reality, I was just finding ways to distract myself and not really focusing on figuring out who I really am and what I want with my life. I'm not saying that being on medication is going to magically make the passenger go away and give me clarity, but I'm hoping it will at least help.